


find yourself where you are again

by kingchad



Series: a queen with no crown [2]
Category: Descendants (Disney Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Gen, I try to unpack some of the chad + Audrey abuse implications here, Missing Scene, Movie: Descendants 3, [aka - the audrey introspective you didn't know you needed], a chad and audrey who are BOTH very gay and very repressed, and frankly this is all I can muster the energy for so take it, and of course (as is my tradition), mostly canon compliant!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-30 22:22:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20104564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingchad/pseuds/kingchad
Summary: she is self aware when she passes out, and she wishes she had done so much differently, but above all, audrey wishes that she won't have to rely on true love’s kiss to break this curse. she doesn’t think they’d be able to find anyone who would be able to wake her up.





	find yourself where you are again

**Author's Note:**

> if you haven't read the first fic in this series, that's fine! this is more of a spiritual sequel than anything else. anyway, i watched descendants 3 four times so far and i cried every time!

** _ i. audrey_ **

she is self aware when she passes out, and that is the worst part of it all. in the moments where she lies on the ground, unable to respond or open her eyes as she feels mal shake her, she suddenly understands the gravity of what she’s done to auradon and almost wishes she never wakes up.

audrey feels herself being carried away and led onto a bed, hears the voices around her discuss possible solutions. she recognizes ben, and fleetingly hopes that she’s not in her dorm room, because that would mean that _ ben _was in her dorm room, and that would mean that ben is seeing that audrey still has all of their old pictures up, and is probably thinking that she’s pathetic.

she quickly realizes how stupid that is, because ben has every reason to think she’s pathetic, and his reasons are definitely more concrete than her room being an active shrine to their former relationship. ben likely thought she was pathetic the moment he saw her with the scepter - he probably thought she was pathetic much earlier, too, back when she got sent to summer school because she skipped classes and went on trips to avoid seeing him, back further, when she maintained a barely-real relationship with chad in an attempt to make ben jealous, back even further, when she tried to stop ben from bringing over any isle kids in the first place. 

she _ feels _ pathetic. a bitter laugh forms, because isn’t that funny, how long she’s spent shouting mal’s detriments when it’s audrey who’s been the problem all along? but the laugh fades away and dies in her throat, and suddenly it’s not funny anymore. 

is this what her mother felt like? did maleficent’s curse leave aurora painfully self-aware and alone for 100 years? if audrey thinks hard enough, she can recall that, logically, not much time has passed since she fell asleep on the top of the tower, but it feels so much longer. even in a room full of people, she feels desperately and unchangeably alone. she can’t imagine true isolation in this state. she remembers that her mother had no idea she was cursed, or even that she was a princess. how scared she must have been.

it’s ironic that this is the closest she’s ever felt to her mother. audrey’s always suspected that she was really born because her grandmother wanted another attempt at raising a child, and aurora’s lack of involvement only strengthened this theory. it is now, hit with the same curse, that audrey is finally able to glimpse her mother’s headspace - the suffocation of the spell makes her feel hopelessness she’s never dreamed of, and she’s only been out for a few hours. to live the span of a lifetime in this state would be unbearable. any commitment afterwards would be equally so.

and that’s all audrey is, really. a commitment that nobody wants to make. she wishes she was angry, but truthfully she’s just scared. she wishes she was at peace, but she’s only growing more restless by the minute.

above all, audrey wishes that she won't have to rely on true love’s kiss to break this curse. she doesn’t think they’d be able to find anyone who would be able to wake her up.

_ ** ii. mal** _

“i didn’t mean to,” mal says to ben. it’s the first thing she says to him, the first thing she says when she sees him see audrey, and she’s embarrassed that her impulse is to defend herself. she really didn’t mean to, and it would be so easy to entirely blame the whole thing on audrey, but mal finds that she doesn’t want to do that. 

she finds that she understands audrey’s motivations all too well. 

“i know you didn’t,” ben assures, and despite herself, mal almost bursts with relief. “we’ll find a solution, don’t worry. we’re good at that.”

uma snorts, and mal still feels a flare of anger, even after all they’ve been through. she instinctively whirls around to fight, expecting to see uma equally tense, but uma’s face doesn’t even hold a shadow of arrogance. it’s filled with defeat. mal is suddenly ashamed again, because all she’s been doing for the whole night is letting uma down. if uma has lost all her faith in their ability to solve problems, it’s certainly a loss of faith backed by lots and lots of evidence and disappointments. 

ben’s never been defensive like mal has, so it’s not a surprise to her when he sighs in agreement with uma.

“you’re right, i’m sorry,” ben says to uma, and to his credit, he sounds genuinely mournful. mal realizes that he probably is genuine - she’s never known him to be otherwise. “mal and i never should have discussed closing the isle forever. we’ll find another solution.”

mal doesn’t think she’ll ever stop being just a little jealous of ben’s ability to always say the right thing. uma’s defeat clears, and is replaced with brief, blinding hope, but that quickly settles into a determination that mal recognizes instantly. uma is nothing if not determined.

“i’ll hold you to that,” uma says, voice stormy like the sea she had tamed. “but first we need to figure out what to do about audrey. what about finding that boy she had in her cottage?”

“chad?” mal can’t process a reason why they’d need chad for anything. unless... “oh, true love’s kiss!”

“works every time,” uma grins, and mal grins back. it’s perfect! audrey will be up before they know it. she glances over at ben, and is surprised to see that he’s not also smiling.

“i guess we should try chad, just in case,” ben states. “but i really think you should try to think of an alternative, mal.”

the only alternative mal can think of is her dad. she hopes it doesn’t come to that. then again, she sort of hopes it does. 

** _ iii. ben _ **

if anyone had asked ben to guess what he’d be doing the night of vk day, he certainly would have never guessed that it would be hunting for chad in the middle of the woods in some desperate bid to wake up his ex-girlfriend. it wouldn’t even had made the list of possibilities. 

but real life, ben has found, is often very different from what he imagines it will be. so here he is, because he genuinely likes audrey as a person and doesn’t want her to be unconscious forever, and even if the possibility of chad charming and audrey rose being true love is pretty slim, ben has to try. after all, much more impossible things had happened to him. some of those impossible things happened earlier that very day, in the same woods he was in now. 

ben shudders. despite his beastly tendencies, he really never thought he’d ever actually end up a beast, no matter how briefly, but he supposed it was just another thing to check off the list. he’s sure it wouldn’t have mattered to her, but he’s grateful that mal didn’t see him. well, maybe he’s not sure. he’s glad he didn’t have to find out. he’d certainly never be able to experience these woods the same way again.

he’s not sure if the way he was a beast was the way his father was a beast. he had always thought that his father had retained his human brain and emotions, but was just unable to properly use them before his mom came along. that was always the way it had been told to him, at least, and that hadn’t been ben’s experience at _ all. _ he had known that something was wrong, but he couldn’t form the thoughts to express what it was. he had ran through the woods in pain and afraid, like an animal - he _ was _ an animal. he hadn’t recognized carlos and jay. he _ had _recognized harry and gil, but only in the loosest sense, as threats. 

he’s glad that carlos was so level-headed about the situation. even hours after the event, ben still worries about what he could have done to his friends. he suspects it’s a worry that’s going to recur in many nightmares in the foreseeable future.

ben honestly still can’t wrap his head around the fact that it was _ audrey _who cursed him. audrey! she’s always been rational and restrained and, sure, maybe just a little bit petty, but he had never realized she had this in her. he certainly didn’t realize she felt that way about their break-up.

granted, he was fairly out of it when he dumped her, but “i was under a love spell at the time” isn’t an excuse he can really use. maybe he and mal should get together with audrey after this was all over and discuss it. they probably owed it to her. 

truthfully, he had wondered from time to time if he would’ve ever dumped audrey without the aid from mal’s love spell. he doesn’t think he would have married her, but he’s also never been very impulsive. all of his plans and dreams have been years in the making. he might have married audrey just for the convenience of it. he wouldn’t have thought anything of it.

knowing what he knows now, though, about how a relationship _ could _be with someone when both members had passion and love and drive - well, he certainly could never marry audrey now. he worries if that’s selfish, maybe, but how is it selfish if it’s his life? or is a king supposed to be unselfish in every way?

he’s had to worry about a lot tonight. being king hasn’t gotten any easier since he was first crowned. ben hopes it becomes more simple soon.

** _ iv. chad _ **

he doesn’t know why he runs into the woods. being stuck in a closet for hours on end is a little too on the nose for his tastes, he supposes. that sort of deeply ironic (and completely unavoidable) self-reflection will _ do _things to a man! and he certainly doesn’t need that stress in his life. but he can’t hide in the woods forever, and he probably shouldn’t have hid where his old scout troop used to camp if he didn’t want to be found. he should’ve known that would be the first place doug and ben would check.

he’s scared to see audrey again. he hates that he’s scared to see audrey again. audrey is - and has been - his best friend in the world for so many years. they text in class when they’re supposed to be paying attention, she’s always patiently explained all the things he didn’t understand right away (which is, to be honest, quite a lot of things). she’s the person he calls when he needs to drown his sorrows in seven hours of reality television, and he’s the person she calls when the only thing that’s going to cheer her up is an impromptu fashion show. he knows she didn’t really like boys, just like she knew he didn’t really like girls, even though they’ve never really said it out loud to each other or to anyone else. they’re just in sync like that.

he loves audrey a lot, he really does, and he doesn’t know what he’d do without her. but seeing her be a totally different person was jarring, and he can’t reconcile audrey-his-best-friend with audrey-who-threw-a-bowl-at-his-head-and-locked-him-in-the-closet. he doesn’t think he wants to reconcile the two. those two audreys wore different colors, after all, and had different hair, and wouldn’t it be so much easier if they _ were _ different people? and chad’s best friend, the _ real _audrey, was safe somewhere else, ready with a quip about how stupid chad could be sometimes, because didn’t he know she’d never treat him so badly?

he wishes that was the case. it gets harder to pretend that’s the situation when he’s in audrey’s dorm with a _ lot _of people he doesn’t recognize. eyeliner pirate? eyeliner pirate’s very muscular boyfriend? he thinks the girl with the pirate clothes and the blue hair is the same girl who ruined cotillion, but he wasn’t actually there, so he’s not for sure on that one.

he’s getting distracted on purpose. he knows that he just doesn’t want to confront the reality of audrey, unconscious and breathing shallowly on the same dorm bed where they’ve hung out so many times. it’s scary to be in this room, a room that he knows very well, and have it suddenly be unsafe. he offhandedly hopes audrey switches to a different dorm room after she wakes up, and then feels sick at the thought. 

“are you okay?” ben asks, and chad suddenly realizes that everyone is staring at him, and that he’s been standing in the same spot for maybe five minutes. chad also suddenly realizes that his face is wet with tears. he hadn’t been aware he was crying.

“i can’t do this,” he says, because he knows it isn’t going to work, and that’s the scariest thing of all. “can’t you do it? she likes you way better anyway. she still has framed pictures of you and her up, and you dumped her ages ago.”

maybe that was tactless, but no one yells at him, which is unexpected. the fact that he’s still crying probably helps. he’d feel bad for himself right now, if he was anyone else. actually, he feels bad for himself, and he _ is _himself, so no way everybody else doesn’t feel the same.

“we already tried ben,” carlos gently reveals, like he’s afraid to scare chad away. “before he left to go find you, and it didn’t work.”

“haven’t you been dating her?” jay asks, but he says it like more of a statement than anything else. “like, i think you’re the most qualified candidate, currently.”

“it’s okay if it doesn’t work, chad,” evie reassures, which only makes chad feel even more guilty and nervous, because he’s never properly patched things up with evie, and if she’s trying to convince him it must be bad. “we just need to try everything.” 

nervous as it makes him, it’s for audrey, so chad swallows his fear and says “can audrey and i be alone?”

he sees mal exchange a look with the blue-haired pirate girl, but evie looks like she totally understands. the room clears out, and chad finds himself alone with audrey.

“hey, auds,” he mumbles. “hope you can hear me. i’m gonna - they’re trying the true love’s kiss thing, and i know we already tried to figure out if we were true loves or whatever when we were kids and it didn’t work out, but just in case. you know.” 

seeing audrey so vulnerable makes her not so scary anymore, but it’s almost weirder than her being a villain. and definitely weird as in bad, and bad as in _ really _bad. chad doesn’t like it at all. he hopes someone can wake her up if he’s not able to. he leans in.

** _ v. audrey (again)_ **

when she wakes up, she appreciates the sun in a way she’s never appreciated it before. it’s so bright that she can’t fathom how she couldn’t feel it or sense it at all. audrey thinks that there’s probably a lot of things she hasn’t fully appreciated in her life.

it’s not true love’s kiss that wakes her up, but the simple reversal of a curse by mal’s dad (who is hades, which audrey can’t even begin to think about). she finds herself oddly at peace with the fact that nobody could wake her using traditional curse-breaking means. she’s not tied to anyone, and she’s grateful for it, she really is. the past day, month, year, maybe even lifetime - she’s been fixating on one concept and one person, and it hasn’t brought her happiness yet. maybe it’s time to change her worldview. 

she gets the chance to apologize to mal and ben again, after everyone has left her room and started going about their lives again. she says that she’s done messing with them and worrying about ben and that she really does just want to be a good person again (if she ever really was one) and that she’ll do whatever it takes. and she means it. mal offers a tentative handshake and ben hugs her, and they both apologize as well, and it’s hugely satisfying, like a weight in her life has been lifted. 

next is her grandmother. audrey is prepared for a speech about disgracing the family name, and starts the conversation by offering to apologize to the nation of auradon publicly in whatever way she can. audrey is shocked when her grandmother shushes her and pulls her into a fiercer hug than audrey has ever gotten before. they hold each other and audrey counts the seconds, worried that it’ll end too soon, and when they eventually pull apart audrey listens as her grandmother apologizes to _ her _and promises that she’s never been ashamed of audrey and that she never will be. audrey leaves the room dazed but breathing easier than she ever has after exiting a conversation with her grandma.

it’s chad who she’s the most worried about. chad is just as sensitive as audrey is, maybe even more so, and after how she treated him, it’s not unreasonable to think that he might not want to talk to her ever again. it’s certainly what she thinks he’s going to say to her when she finally manages to find him alone in the school’s kitchen, because she accidentally scares him so badly that he drops the cutlery he had been restlessly cleaning for no reason. 

she’s shocked when he doesn’t run away, but he’s wringing his hands and he won’t make eye-contact, and that’s not a great sign. she can’t speak for some reason, but even if she could force out some words, she doesn’t know what to say.

chad beats her to it. “i’m sorry i couldn’t wake you up, auds. i really-”

“what?” audrey says, just a little bit louder than she means to, and she regrets it when she sees him flinch back instinctively. “no, no, i mean, it’s not your fault at all, i don’t blame you for anything! i came to apologize for everything i did to you.”

“you weren’t in your right mind,” chad justifies for her, but he looks relieved. still sort of worried, which isn't great, but audrey knows she deserves it, and is grateful that she'll have the chance to fix it.

“i still shouldn’t have done it,” she reiterates. 

chad grins at her. she hesitantly smiles back.

“listen, we still have like...two hours before ben and mal do their next royal announcement or whatever,” chad starts, and it’s so familiar that audrey’s grin becomes real instantly “...and i think we are sorely in need of some online retail therapy. and maybe some selfies to put on social media to remind everyone that we’re living our best lives.”

“two hours is definitely enough time for that,” audrey agrees. “but first we need to change. i’ve been wearing this dress for about two days now and it’s seriously overstayed its welcome.”

audrey knows things will never be really normal again, no matter how normal it feels now. but she thinks that’s maybe for the best, because her normal has been abnormal for an unreasonable amount of time. this is her chance to _ live _, and she thinks she’s finally ready to.

**Author's Note:**

> SONG: Eat That Up, It's Good For You - Two Door Cinema Club
> 
> [@kingchad](https://kingchad.tumblr.com) on tumblr / this is not crossposted
> 
> I LOVED D3 WITH MY WHOLE HEART and the only thing i was sad about was the lack of a plot resolution for audrey and chad. so i wrote it myself! i hope that you enjoyed it because writing it was SO cathartic.
> 
> I truly encourage you all to donate to the [Cameron Boyce foundation](https://thecameronboycefoundation.networkforgood.com/) if you can <3


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